아내 사랑 표현법? 이해 말고 통역 | 『나는 네번째 남자와 살고 있다』 4회 · How to Show Love to Your Wife: Don't Just Understand, Translate
Married couples can say "love" and mean different things. A pastor and counselor on how to express love to your wife in the way she wants to receive it.
"당신 정말 나 사랑해?" 결혼 7년째에 이 질문을 받은 남편은 어이가 없었다. 아내 사랑 표현법이 서로 어긋나면 같은 "사랑"이라는 단어도 전혀 다른 뜻이 된다. 3장은 부부가 같은 단어로 왜 다른 마음을 말하는지 묻는다(p.29).
포인트 1. 책임감과 사랑은 같은 말일까
7년을 매일 일하고 가족을 책임져 왔는데 이제 와서 사랑하느냐고 묻다니. 저자가 "책임감이 사랑이지"라고 받자 아내는 "그건 그냥 책임감 아니야?"라고 되물었다(p.29). 아내에게 사랑은 '오늘도 나를 소중히 여기는 마음'이었고 남편에게는 '내가 이 가정을 책임지는 것'이었다. 저자는 둘 다 틀리지 않았고 다를 뿐이었다고 쓴다(p.30). 두 사람이 사랑을 서로 다르게 말하고 있었다는 걸 저자가 처음 깨달은 게 그날 밤이었다(p.30).
포인트 2. 부부 대화 안 통해요, 해결책과 공감이 엇갈린다
아내가 "오늘 힘들었어"라고 하면 남편은 "뭐가 문제야? 어떻게 도와줄까?"부터 물었다. 아내가 바란 건 "정말 힘들었겠다"였다. 거꾸로 남편이 일터에서 혼난 날에는 아내가 "누가? 왜?" 하고 캐물었는데, 남편은 그저 조용히 옆에 있어 주길 바랐다(p.30-31). 상담실에서 만난 결혼 15년차 남편은 "사랑한다는 말은 어색하니 행동으로 보여 준다"고 했고, 아내는 가끔은 그 말 한마디가 듣고 싶다고 했다(p.31-32).
포인트 3. 아내 사랑 표현법, 받고 싶은 방식으로
결혼기념일에 저자는 피곤한 몸으로 비싼 식당을 예약했다. 아내는 고맙다면서도 편지라도 하나 써 줬으면 좋았겠다고 했다. 반대로 아내가 생일에 긴 편지를 써 줬을 때 저자는 원하던 책을 사 줬으면 하고 살짝 아쉬웠다(p.32-33). 그 뒤 저자는 평소 잘 하지 않던 "사랑해"를 의식적으로 말해 보고, 아내가 무엇을 좋아하고 요즘 무엇을 걱정하는지 하나씩 알아 가기 시작했다(p.34-35).
서로 열심히 사랑했는데, 제대로 전달되지 않았다. (『나는 네번째 남자와 살고 있다』 p.33)
"당신은 나를 전혀 이해 못 해"라는 말을 저자가 어떻게 통역하게 됐는지, 장을 닫는 한 문장이 무엇인지는 책에 남겨 둔다.
오늘 해볼 한 가지
저자가 아내를 알아 가려고 붙든 질문은 소박하다. 좋아하는 커피는 무엇인지, 요즘 가장 걱정하는 일은 무엇인지, 어떤 말을 들을 때 가장 기뻐하는지(p.35). 오늘 저녁 이 가운데 하나만 물어보자. 답을 듣고 해결책을 내놓지 말고 들은 대로 기억해 두는 것까지가 오늘 할 일이다.
다음 회 예고: 2부 「말이 멈춘 자리, 마음이 멀어졌다」
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구매링크: 나는 네번째 남자와 살고 있다 (예스24)
ENGLISH VERSION
How to Show Love to Your Wife: Don't Just Understand, Translate
"Do you really love me?" The husband who heard this question in his seventh year of marriage was dumbfounded. When a husband and wife express love in different ways, even the same word, "love," can mean something completely different. Chapter 3 asks why married couples use the same words to say different things from the heart (p.29).
Point 1. Are responsibility and love the same thing?
For seven years he had worked every day and taken responsibility for his family, and now she was asking whether he loved her? When the author answered, "Being responsible is love," his wife asked back, "Isn't that just responsibility?" (p.29). To his wife, love was "a heart that treasures me today too." To the husband, it was "my taking responsibility for this family." The author writes that neither of them was wrong. They were just different (p.30). That night was the first time the author realized the two of them had been talking about love in different ways (p.30).
Point 2. When couples can't communicate: solutions vs. empathy
When his wife said, "Today was hard," the husband's first question was, "What's the problem? How can I help?" What his wife wanted to hear was, "That must have been really hard." It worked the other way too. On days when the husband got scolded at work, his wife would press him: "Who? Why?" All he wanted was for her to sit quietly beside him (p.30-31). A husband the author met in the counseling room, married fifteen years, said, "Saying 'I love you' feels awkward, so I show it through actions." His wife said that sometimes she just wanted to hear those words (p.31-32).
Point 3. How to show love to your wife: the way she wants to receive it
On their wedding anniversary, the author booked an expensive restaurant even though he was worn out. His wife thanked him, but said she wished he had at least written her a letter. The other way around, when his wife wrote him a long letter for his birthday, the author felt a little let down, because he had hoped she would buy him a book he wanted (p.32-33). After that, the author made a point of saying "I love you," which he had rarely said before, and began learning, one thing at a time, what his wife liked and what she was worried about these days (p.34-35).
We loved each other so hard, but it never got through. (I Live with the Fourth Man (나는 네번째 남자와 살고 있다) p.33)
How the author learned to translate the words "You don't understand me at all," and what the single sentence that closes the chapter says, I leave in the book.
One thing to try today
The questions the author held onto as he tried to get to know his wife are simple. What kind of coffee does she like? What is she most worried about these days? What words make her happiest when she hears them? (p.35). This evening, ask just one of these. When you hear the answer, don't offer a solution. Remember it just as she said it. That's all you need to do today.
Next time: Part 2, "Where Words Stopped, Hearts Drifted Apart"
Read more
- All posts on I Live with the Fourth Man
- About this book: My husband won't talk? What his silence means
- Books by Seong Jungmin
Buy the book: I Live with the Fourth Man (YES24)
Translated from the Korean original by the author's team with AI assistance. Scripture quotations are from the World English Bible (public domain).
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